It’s time to go: of college, life, and relationships

Like always, it’s really been a while on here :))

In other news, I’ve decided to start a blog on Medium, and this was the first post I put on there – sort of trying to create a difference between my writing blog (which is this) and one where I just talk about life and trying to figure out myself (because what better way to do it, than on the internet) So if you do like posts like this one, go follow me on Medium (and hopefully, I’ll be more regular with my updates on there)!

It’s time to go

I’m going to do something I haven’t done in a while (years, if I really think about it)- be honest with myself, and that too on the internet. It’s actually quite ironic, if I really think about it, how my first post on here, is about saying goodbye to quite a few things that I’ve become attached to through the years.

I’ve sat here, in front of this screen for far too long, trying to write this, in a way that’s somehow comprehensible(?) and I’m sure this will still be all over the place, with a whole lot of rambling; but I needed to do this. Really get this off my chest, after having sat with these feelings for at least the past year and a half, which have grown, and grown into feelings that I can no longer ignore.

I think what really prompted this was my realisation that I tend to run from attachments, I always have, and never really understood why. But I’ve had way too much time on my hands to think (which really, is never a great idea for me), but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s probably because I get attached very easily — and to pretty much everything- people, places and things, all of it. Case in point? The one guy I “talked” to in high school, and sometimes still do, just because I don’t know how to let go of things that are best left in the past, simply because I’m attached to them, or the version that I used to know.

And this doesn’t translate into a lot of happiness, because you have to say goodbye at some point, right? People leave, you leave places and things don’t last, and that’s alright. Or at least, it should be alright, except it never really feels okay, and while the excruciating pain you feel when saying goodbye fades into nostalgia, or moments that you recollect which feel like hugs when you’re on your own but feel so bittersweet, I never really feel completely at peace with it; I never really feel like I got closure, even though I did.

So I’ve done my best throughout the years to not get attached, y’know? Keep the conversations superficial, don’t give too much of yourself to any person or place, and if it feels like it’s getting too heavy or you’re getting in too deep, leave. Not the best coping mechanism, I know but it’s worked out most of the time, and that’s not to say I haven’t made some great friendships or had some amazing relationships being born despite this, because I have. They’ve crept up on me pretty steadily over the years, and I’ve given pieces of myself to these people, without really wondering whether they would stay, because I was so sure that they would, and if they didn’t? I’d be okay with that too, because of how much these people have meant to me.

The most recent thing I’ve had to say goodbye to recently, and one I didn’t even realise I was so attached to, is my college- graduating is always tough but graduating in the middle of a pandemic? that hits you so much harder. My issues with never feeling like I get closure definitely didn’t help with this either, because I never actually got closure in this case; quite literally the last time I saw my dorm room was through a phone screen, when I was facetiming the packers who were picking apart my belongings and dumping them in cartons and suitcases- 20 minutes of a facetime and 4 suitcases and cartons later, they were done; and so was I.

The physical manifestation of me being done with college hit me hard, extremely hard, but not as much as it truly hit me, when I was unpacking the boxes in my parent’s house, where I’d lived for 18 years of my life before going to college, and had over the past year and a half become “home” again. It finally dawned on me, that I could never go back to the place I’d begun to call home five years ago, and that nothing would be the same. We were graduating, people were moving on with their lives, we had jobs that we were joining, becoming full-fledged adults, and for some reason, at that moment, I felt like I was still stuck, right where I’d left college physically- on a Friday afternoon, thinking I’d be back in two weeks, and living out my last years of college- with people I’d come to love and in a place, I’d become so attached to, that leaving that part of life, almost seemed like an impossible task.

And that’s the thing right? I never expected to feel this way about a place, especially because I try my best not to get too close, not to feel too much, and not to hurt so much, but here I am, as attached as ever, to a place, people and a life that I’d grown to love.

Writing this was supposed to be therapeutic, and in a sense it was. I suppose I’ll never get the closure I needed from this part of my life, or the many people I’ve had to say goodbye to (most of them through a phone/laptop screen), without really knowing when I’d see them again in person, but there is a new and exciting part of my life that lies ahead, and I’m looking forward to that.

And I’m sure I’ll still keep the millions of memories made over the years- from running to catch a hot chocolate fix before class to staying up all night watching movies, and feel the warmth of those memories, along with all the sadness of how it ended. So while it’s time to go- and let go of this part of my life, the memories will never really leave, and I think maybe, just maybe, I won’t be so terrified of getting attached anymore.

Hope you liked this! As always, let me know your thoughts or if you’ve had similar experiences :)) And if you did like this, check out my blog on Medium!

Till next time :))

A Teenagers Take on Braces

Let me just say this: The pain is real. Very real.

And it’s even more painful when you get them at the ripe age of 17.. Almost the end of your teenage years. Like that wasn’t painful and sad enough. -.-

So I recently got braces- just a couple of weeks ago actually. It’s really late in the day but my mother suddenly realised that my teeth are the most uneven things ever. They’re probably more uneven than uneven numbers. (Don’t know why I just said that but let’s run with it). Anyway, my mother decided I needed braces (this is after 4 years of me telling her I NEED BRACES MOM *very subtle right?*) and so I had to get them a couple of weeks back.

I had to get four teeth extracted which was painful in itself. But hey, I survived on ice-cream so that made up for it. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe.. Not really. So that’s been going on for almost a month now. And I know normally extractions take place within a week or so but well, I love food and if I had to decide between getting my teeth extracted or eating some of the most scrumptious dishes ever, it’s pretty easy to guess which one I’d choose. And no, it’s not the teeth. 

Since I’ve had my braces on now for a couple of weeks, I consider myself an expert on all things “brace-y”. Here’s a few things I’ve noticed –

1. Your staple diet becomes pasta for almost a week. I never thought I’d get sick of eating pasta but well, there’s always things I’m discovering about myself.

2. When you’re getting your braces, it doesn’t hurt at all. Give it a few hours and then hello, space age torture. *I think Blank Space by Taylor Swift is an appropriate song for this*

3. You want to keep smiling all the time. Not because, you want to creep out random strangers on the road but because it hurts less if you smile. *Take that out of the context of braces and it still remains true but becomes all sentimental*  

4. Your brackets will annoy you. To infinity and beyond. I’ve had them on for a couple of weeks and I’ve already managed to break a couple of them and now they’re just hanging around somewhere in the middle of nowhere. *well, not exactly nowhere cause you know, it’s still in my mouth.. you get my point*

5. Your jaw will hurt. Badly. And you’ll wonder why you ever wanted these horrendous pieces of torture repeatedly. *I’m still wondering why I did this*

6. The amount of things you can’t even eat anymore is not even funny.

7. You’ll ignore what the dentist tells you to not eat and still eat it anyway. *Your life, Your rules and all that. Plus you make your own destiny. Even though that destiny results in you going back to the dentist earlier than expected.*

8. Your family aka your father and younger brother will make fun of you. And they’ll think it’s funny and that they’re funny but they really aren’t. *actually some of the jokes were pretty inventive so kudos for that* Your mother will also join them at times. But it gets better. I think.

9. EVERYONE will make you say words with the sound “s” in it just to see if you say “sh” instead. I had to say “She sells sea shells on the sea shore” more times that I can remember. *Geez people, I’ve got braces, not a major lisp. Calm down already.* And they will continue to do that even after you can show them that you haven’t got a lisp. 

10. You’re hungry all the time because half the food gets stuck in your braces. *I spend so much time in the bathroom these days trying to get all the food out that my parents wonder if I’ve fallen asleep inside*    

11. Your mouth will get sores and cuts from the metal. It’s painful. Everything about braces is. At least right now.

12. You start to speak a little funny because it’s hard to get used to it in the beginning. Like your voice becomes a little muffled. *And of course all the teachers tell you to answer/read the day after you’ve got them and are still getting used to the metal in your mouth. Which leads to your entire class staring at your mouth as though it’s some crazy new invention.*  

13. You will get varied responses from your peers. Most of the girls will be pretty indifferent towards it but the guys will want to know what exactly you were thinking about before you brought this sort of torture upon yourself. *No lie. One of my friends really did ask me that. And then asked me why I didn’t just throw a temper tantrum and leave the dentist’s place without looking back. My response was “But I have uneven teeth”. Could anyone be more obvious? Me thinks not. *

14. People say it gets better. I’m still waiting for that to happen. And some people say they miss it, I really can’t wait to get these off. And I’ve had them for only a couple of weeks. So I’m still waiting for that as well.

P.S. If you are going to get braces in the near future, I hope this post didn’t scare you off. Because if you have uneven teeth, you need to get them straightened out. Not to look pretty because that’s overrated but because it can be a real dental issue when you grow up. Also my teeth are really uneven and that’s why I have to be more careful than other people so it might not be as bad as mine 🙂

And that’s it 😛 If you’ve ever had braces or have had friends who have had braces or still have braces, let me know what they think 🙂 I’d love to know about your experiences. 🙂 If you liked this post, like, comment on what you thought about it, rate, follow my blog, reblog and basically do what you want 😛 If you didn’t like it, then well, I’m sorry? Okay I really don’t know what to say.. 

Also if you ever want to talk to me, you can always shoot me an email which is on my “About Me” page 🙂

And here’s a song I’ve just recently heard and really liked. I hope you like it too 🙂

Till next Monday,

A Still Thinking That Braces Are Annoying Teenager. 

 

A Teenagers Take on Being Comfortable In Your Skin

Hey guys, 

This is not an easy post for me to write. Probably never be. But I think I’ve reached a stage where I’m okay with writing this. It’s not one of those journal entries I wrote but it’s a topic I’m sensitive to, especially certain parts of it. 

It’s hard being comfortable in your skin when you’re constantly scrutinized, compared, and judged on how you look, the clothes you wear and all the other superficial spheres in life. Especially the way you look. And it’s not like you get a good response when you don’t look “good”. And by “good”, I don’t necessarily mean the tons of makeup girls my age wear these days or the fact that even a 12 year old looks older than I do because of that. I want to point out the issues girls have with their bodies, their insecurities. And their failure to realize that they’re perfect the way they are. 

And the people who get affected the most by this? Teenagers. We’ve got this demented perception that no matter what we do, we’re not good enough. Good enough for what is something I fail to realize. Because I used to be one of those kids who didn’t like interacting with people because of the way I looked. Because I was, still am overweight (that’s actually an understatement) But that’s a story kept for another day. 

It’s scary to think that 5 years ago, I would have never met the friends who are so close to me right now. And that too just because, I felt that we weren’t similar. It’s not what’s on the outside that matters, I’ve realized. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. And I’m incredibly proud of the people I call my friends now because we might look drastically different (that’s not very true because my brother often gets confused between P and M) but we think alike! And I wouldn’t have this if I continued to be the way I was quite a while ago.

I don’t know why we think it’s right to judge someone based on how they look or what they wear. We’re not only increasing pressure on ourselves to look a certain way but also increasing pressure on the other person and making them so insecure that they start to wonder what’s wrong with them. It leads to a severe dip in someone’s self-respect and confidence and leads to them just being a hollow version of their lively self. 

In many cases, it also leads to self-harm because they perceive themselves to be “ugly” or not adequate enough. I believe that there’s something severely wrong with the way people perceive themselves and what they aim to look like. But what they fail to realize is that those imperfections should be embraced, because they make you, YOU. They’re what makes you perfect, unique. 

Being comfortable in your skin is something not many teenagers can do these days. Especially teenage girls. I wasn’t comfortable in mine and that resulted in me not being myself. But I’ve realized that you don’t need to make anyone else happy with the way you are as long as you’re happy with yourself. Being okay with how you look is something that builds your character. Makes you more confident.

After all, beauty is being comfortable in your own skin and accepting yourself for who you are. 

Here are a few of my favourite quotes on this topic-

1. “When you’re comfortable in your skin, you can be at peace anywhere.”

2. “There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful than a woman being unapologetically herself. Comfortable in her own perfect imperfections. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.” – Steve Maraboli

3. ” Never waste your time trying to explain to people who are committed to misunderstanding you”- Dream Hampton

4. ” I think happiness is what makes a person pretty. Period. Happy people are beautiful. They become like a mirror and they reflect that happiness” – Drew Barrymore

5. “When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, some people won’t like you. But you won’t care about it one bit!”

And that’s it for this post 🙂 If you did like it, do the usual stuff… like, comment, rate or even go scuba diving. (I’ve always wanted to do that!) Let me know what you thought of this post by commenting 🙂 And if you ever need to talk to me, you can always email me 🙂 Also, if you haven’t heard this song yet, it’s a really nice one. 😀

Till next time,

A Swamped With Homework Today Teenager. 

 

 

A Teenagers Take on Being Yourself

Okay, so the title turned out to sound so inspirational/ motivational which is definitely not what I write about. If I ever do write something like that I feel so pretentious because if you actually meet me, you’ll realize that I’m the last person who should be giving advice to anyone on practically any matter.. other than music and maybe books? 😛 

Anyway I decided to write this post because of well… I’ve been wanting to write this for quite some time and I needed to get it off my head and also because this is definitely more interesting than studying economics (I have an exam tomorrow). And for this post, I’m not going to edit anything so all the cancellations you see, is basically what I never put in any of my other posts.

Oh and this post has been in my draft section for quite some time like the past 7 or 8 months? So I’m just going to put in what I though at that point of time with what I think now. They’re going to be in different colours so yeaa.. Anyway here it is.  

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like myself. It honestly has. There’s this sort of tension building up in my head and it’s like everyday I become more closed off. And the thing is, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I know many people out there are going to judge me or because they already do. It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m constantly adjusting my attitude to suit others so that I don’t appear meek or I don’t appear to be too snobby. And it’s been a while since I’ve met my closest friends to just talk and be myself so I don’t even have an outlet anymore. 

And what really takes the cake is that people all around me think I have my life together. They think I know where I’m going. They think I’m the only one of those people who has it all figured out. But I don’t. And it gets to me.    Oh and there’s the teachers who think I’m going to do well. I want to do well but the pressure is on and it’s really tough. Everyone either puts pressure on you to excel or says you’re never going to mount to much and that puts pressure on you to prove them wrong. Especially this year cause  is going to be my  it’s my senior year and there’s a ton of people my entire life (or so people say) depending on that.  I don’t feel like talking to anyone of them anymore. It’s just too damn hard to do that. I feel like I’m just putting up this facade of being happy all the time when I’m not. 

And it’s hard to keep it up. Whenever I’m alone, I feel like I’m going t  want to cry and let it out. It’s not that I can complain about my family, they’re brilliant and are entertaining in their own way but I can’t go to them and say “I just want to cry for no reason. Am I going mad?” They’ll put it down to teenage angst and some bullshit going on in school. Because I honestly don’t know why I feel this way. I know I’m not depressed or suffering from something but the sadness gets to me. And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way but I just feel so alone. Like I’ve distanced myself from everyone. I laugh along when I feel like I need to but it’s only when I feel it’s too much I quietly move away from there.  And the funny part is no one even seems to notice that. They seem to buy all the bullshit excuses that come out from my mouth and don’t even care. I know I sound selfish because I never used to care about things like this before and I used to take everything at face value.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that being yourself in a herd of people judging you and waiting to see you fall is tough, so you give in. You try to be someone they’ll like, someone who’ll fit in. Someone with no personality. Someone who’s a lost soul.  Someone who needs people puts up a facade and acts like everything’s okay when it’s really not. Being yourself is one that’s such a Utopian thought. But I’m trying to now. I really am. I don’t care what people say or talk about me anymore because it’s my life. Not theirs. And I’ve realised that being true to yourself and no one else is what matters more than anything. Because in this big world of problems and choices with people leading us on, the only constant is you. And it’s you who’s going to end up not recognizing yourself in the mirror. So decide whether it’s important to have people like you but judge you behind your back or just straight out dislike you but know who you are. Because that’s what lead you to make your decision in the future. 

And that’s about it.. I know I sound really happy when I talk to you guys on here and things like that but for some time in the middle, I wasn’t feeling like doing it.  myself. But I am now. 🙂 And I’m trying to stay that way. Focused on what I want. And who I want to be.

Yep.. that’s about it. There’s a lot of stuff that I don’t say and just keep in my draft section because I don’t know what response I’ll get- will I have more people judging me or actually have people relating to this, so I don’t post those. But I decided to this one because I’ve grown since then and I wanted to tell others that they’re really not alone if they’re going through the same thing. Because I know how hard it is to find yourself when you feel lost. And if you want to talk to me at all you can email me and I’ll get back to you ASAP. You could also share your story if you would like to by doing a guest post or commenting on here. I’m always welcome to that. 

For this post, I’ve added one of my favourite songs called Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.

 

P.S. (Important stuff here) And for those of you who’ve actually put up with me till the end of this post, I’d really want to know if I put together a book with like my poems, short stories and Teenagers Take (basically a book form of my blog) would you read it? I really want to know 🙂 So comment or email me if you would. 

Till the next time I post (it’s going to be a guest post),

A Still Studying Economics Teenager. 

What an Average Teenager Like Me Has To Go Through On A Daily Basis

The typical definition of teenagers reads as “a quasi-human species who are hungry 50% of the time, sleepy 50% of the time and moody 100% of the time” and trust me, it’s not like we love being known as that. But we know how awesome we are and we simply embrace our awesomeness and wish that humans and those species from Mars called kids would do the same.

However, somehow in this modern-day society, teenagers are always given the raw end of the deal and some of the annoying things we tolerate isn’t even fair! People can’t figure out where we fit because hello, we’re not “small” enough to behave like kids but “apparently”, we’re not “mature” enough to act like adults. It’s confusing and get’s on our nerves. 

Then there’s the very fact that every parent/adult tries to figure you out. I mean come on, we might be quasi-human but you don’t have to go all “psychologic” on us. *Yes, psychologic is a word in my dictionary. It’s a combination between a psychologist and a psycho*

So I decided to put in 5  annoying things or sayings I’ve faced as a teenager because a) It’s my blog and I can do pretty much whatever I want with it and b) Because I cannot, absolutely cannot study right now.

1) When every adult around you tells you to stop acting like a kid and start being mature. And then not even 10 minutes later, they’re treating you like a kid. My expression’s just like “Wait, What? Didn’t you just tell to start being a little more mature? Then WHY am I being treated like a child AGAIN? ” 

2) When you decide to complain about something that’s not redundant and needs to be handled and adults chalk it upto the fact that you’re a teenager and all teenagers do is grumble and complain. 

3) When adults decide to lecture you to stop watching YouTube videos, movies, tweeting or blogging by saying “in our times we didn’t have blaaah blaaah blaah or we didn’t do blaah blaah blaah. We went out and got some fresh air and you should do the same”. Now this normally goes on for about 20 minutes and by the end of it they’ve successfully made you feel horrible about yourself and put you down. I just stop doing whatever I’m doing immediately and I’m out of the house or wherever I am before the lecture can start. But the best part however is that we aren’t allowed to be moody after this lecture and if we are we get another lecture about how we’re moody 24/7. *what is this life* *note the sarcasm*

4) So much pressure to be under! We’re the only ones who need to a) be amazing at school and get brilliant grades or else you disappoint your parents and yourself *so there’s a ton of competition* b) keep up with your family and friends or you end up disappointing them c) we’re going to be choosing what we’re going to be doing in life and if we don’t choose right then well, let’s not even go there. We’ll just end up with a whole lot of regrets and d) trying to take care of yourself and look a little presentable or you end up disappointing the entire world of adults. Forget being sane, we’re all insanely weird by the time we’re adults.

5) Stereotypes. This is one of the things literally every teenager has faced.. We’re all bunched into this ridiculous and presumptuous category in the eyes of Each.And.Every. Adult.(EAEA for short).

Honestly Teenagers aren’t hard to figure out. We’re just a little misunderstood by the whole world. Now I seriously need to start studying 😀

A Freaking Out Because I’ve Been Procrastinating For So Long Teenager

 

30 Day Challenge: Day 17

30 Day Challenge

Day 17: Write about your Zodiac sign and if you relate to it or not.

 

I’m a Gemini (we’re awesome and there’s no argument for that).

Gemini Strength Keywords:

– Energetic
– Clever
– Imaginative
– Witty
– Adaptable

Gemini Weakness Keywords:

– Superficial
– Impulsive
– Restless
– Devious
– Indecisive

Gemini and Independence:

Gemini are extremely independent. They will not be pinned down by anyone or any rules. They need to experience the world on their own. Change and freedom are extremely important to Gemini, they will never let anyone dictate them, they are extremely independent and freedom is essential to their mental well being.

Gemini and Friendship:

Gemini make very interesting and exciting friends. They like to leave their mark on everyone they meet. They are very flighty and will disappear for a long time as they meet new friends and explore new places. But when they come back, they will have new thoughts, opinions and interesting things to share and ideas to teach. Life is very interesting and fun with a Gemini friend. If you need any advice, Gemini is the one to ask. They are masters of communication and they can help you get what you need by helping you with persuasion and enthusiasm, and they give good advice too. Do not however, bog a Gemini down with all of your emotional problems, they are not want to deal with it because it depresses them and steps on their freedom if you need too much long term help, support and follow up. A Gemini friend can fill you in with the latest gossip and if you love conversation, the Gemini delivers! They are very generous with their friends, they will spend lots of time with you and share everything with you. Even though Gemini is a social butterfly, they always need time for themselves and that should be respected.

Gemini and Business:

Gemini tends to disperse their energy on different tasks and not just focus on one thing thus leaving a trail of unfinished projects in their wake. If they were to focus their energy in one place, their cleverness and intelligence would allow them to complete their project with success and creativity. Gemini makes an excellent manager, they can motivate a team with their enthusiasm and vitality. They also make excellent salespeople because their ease of communication allows them to be clever and make a comeback to anything a person says. They can persuade and manipulate very well. They can easily justify any move they make and explain any action.

Gemini Temperament:

Gemini have the ability to react instantly to situations, and as a result, they have a very nervous temperament. They can be compared to a wound up spring as they attempt to absorb everything they can about their surroundings at once. The fact that they enjoy various situations and people add to their nervousness and that means they are almost constantly wound up. However, if they experience boredom and have nothing to survey, they get the same emotions, the need for excitement and variety. This is the Gemini duality, constantly conflicting emotions in one spontaneous, excitable package.

Gemini Deep Inside:

One downfall of Gemini is their superficiality. Instead of looking deep into a person’s real qualities, Gemini will judge a person by the way they treat them. This can lead Gemini to have wrong impressions of people and can cause problems ion relationships. Gemini’s can have feeling of discouragement and moodiness although they never allow this to be seen by anyone but heir closest friends or family. Gemini usually want everyone to think that they are always happy and doing wonderfully and stress never affects them.

Gemini in a Nutshell:

Gemini people are many sided, quick both in the mind and physically. They are brimming with energy and vitality, they are clever with words. They are intelligent and very adaptable to every situation and every person. Gemini are curious and always want to know what’s going on in the world around them. They are not one to sit back and watch the world go by, they want to be involved. This can sometimes make Gemini nosy, they do not mind their own business! This is because they really enjoy communicating, more so then most other astrology signs, they are the ultimate social butterfly. Gemini can talk and talk, but they have interesting things to say, their talk is not mindless babble. They have interesting opinions and thoughts on things and are not afraid to speak their mind. They are always in the know and are the one to see for the latest juicy gossip. Lacking perseverance, Gemini easily goes off topic to explore another thought or idea. Gemini are superficial, they will form opinions on matter without diving into them and exploring them fully. This can lead them into thinking they know everything, which they usually do but their mind is too busy to be concerned with fine details. Routine and boredom are Gemini’s biggest fears. Gemini would rather be naive then know the depressing truth, they do not want anything putting a damper on their freedom or positive energy.

 

 

This describes me perfectly. I constantly have to refrain myself from saying the first thing that comes to my mind and forming opinions on well.. EVERYTHING. There’s about a ton of things that I’ve given up cause I get too bored to continue it. I’m a cheerful person although when I’m really upset or angry that’s the only time I let my emotions show– and not even to that extent. I can only share my true emotions with my really close friends and sometimes not even them. My imagination runs absolutely wild to the extent that it’s not even funny anymore. I don’t trust people easily because I never want to feel that vulnerable and once someone loses my trust, they’ll never get it back.

 

Guess I’m a true Gemini 😀

*fist bumps all the Gemini out there*