Like always, it’s really been a while on here :))
In other news, I’ve decided to start a blog on Medium, and this was the first post I put on there – sort of trying to create a difference between my writing blog (which is this) and one where I just talk about life and trying to figure out myself (because what better way to do it, than on the internet) So if you do like posts like this one, go follow me on Medium (and hopefully, I’ll be more regular with my updates on there)!
I’m going to do something I haven’t done in a while (years, if I really think about it)- be honest with myself, and that too on the internet. It’s actually quite ironic, if I really think about it, how my first post on here, is about saying goodbye to quite a few things that I’ve become attached to through the years.
I’ve sat here, in front of this screen for far too long, trying to write this, in a way that’s somehow comprehensible(?) and I’m sure this will still be all over the place, with a whole lot of rambling; but I needed to do this. Really get this off my chest, after having sat with these feelings for at least the past year and a half, which have grown, and grown into feelings that I can no longer ignore.
I think what really prompted this was my realisation that I tend to run from attachments, I always have, and never really understood why. But I’ve had way too much time on my hands to think (which really, is never a great idea for me), but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s probably because I get attached very easily — and to pretty much everything- people, places and things, all of it. Case in point? The one guy I “talked” to in high school, and sometimes still do, just because I don’t know how to let go of things that are best left in the past, simply because I’m attached to them, or the version that I used to know.
And this doesn’t translate into a lot of happiness, because you have to say goodbye at some point, right? People leave, you leave places and things don’t last, and that’s alright. Or at least, it should be alright, except it never really feels okay, and while the excruciating pain you feel when saying goodbye fades into nostalgia, or moments that you recollect which feel like hugs when you’re on your own but feel so bittersweet, I never really feel completely at peace with it; I never really feel like I got closure, even though I did.
So I’ve done my best throughout the years to not get attached, y’know? Keep the conversations superficial, don’t give too much of yourself to any person or place, and if it feels like it’s getting too heavy or you’re getting in too deep, leave. Not the best coping mechanism, I know but it’s worked out most of the time, and that’s not to say I haven’t made some great friendships or had some amazing relationships being born despite this, because I have. They’ve crept up on me pretty steadily over the years, and I’ve given pieces of myself to these people, without really wondering whether they would stay, because I was so sure that they would, and if they didn’t? I’d be okay with that too, because of how much these people have meant to me.
The most recent thing I’ve had to say goodbye to recently, and one I didn’t even realise I was so attached to, is my college- graduating is always tough but graduating in the middle of a pandemic? that hits you so much harder. My issues with never feeling like I get closure definitely didn’t help with this either, because I never actually got closure in this case; quite literally the last time I saw my dorm room was through a phone screen, when I was facetiming the packers who were picking apart my belongings and dumping them in cartons and suitcases- 20 minutes of a facetime and 4 suitcases and cartons later, they were done; and so was I.
The physical manifestation of me being done with college hit me hard, extremely hard, but not as much as it truly hit me, when I was unpacking the boxes in my parent’s house, where I’d lived for 18 years of my life before going to college, and had over the past year and a half become “home” again. It finally dawned on me, that I could never go back to the place I’d begun to call home five years ago, and that nothing would be the same. We were graduating, people were moving on with their lives, we had jobs that we were joining, becoming full-fledged adults, and for some reason, at that moment, I felt like I was still stuck, right where I’d left college physically- on a Friday afternoon, thinking I’d be back in two weeks, and living out my last years of college- with people I’d come to love and in a place, I’d become so attached to, that leaving that part of life, almost seemed like an impossible task.
And that’s the thing right? I never expected to feel this way about a place, especially because I try my best not to get too close, not to feel too much, and not to hurt so much, but here I am, as attached as ever, to a place, people and a life that I’d grown to love.
Writing this was supposed to be therapeutic, and in a sense it was. I suppose I’ll never get the closure I needed from this part of my life, or the many people I’ve had to say goodbye to (most of them through a phone/laptop screen), without really knowing when I’d see them again in person, but there is a new and exciting part of my life that lies ahead, and I’m looking forward to that.
And I’m sure I’ll still keep the millions of memories made over the years- from running to catch a hot chocolate fix before class to staying up all night watching movies, and feel the warmth of those memories, along with all the sadness of how it ended. So while it’s time to go- and let go of this part of my life, the memories will never really leave, and I think maybe, just maybe, I won’t be so terrified of getting attached anymore.
Hope you liked this! As always, let me know your thoughts or if you’ve had similar experiences :)) And if you did like this, check out my blog on Medium!
Till next time :))
Everything and Nothing 