memories – Everything and Nothing

It’s been a while since we spoke

The last time we met still etched in my mind

Such a bittersweet memory, still makes me cry sometimes

I can still remember the stormy skies

And the smell of petrichor in the air

When we called it quits, over something I forget

But I still kept your sweater, the one I “stole”

And it kept me warm on rainy days, felt like those hugs of yours

Tucked away in a drawer; so your scent remained

I’ve never really been able to explain

What that sweater really meant to me

But it reminded me of you and smelled lovely

Until I spilled something; you’d always called me clumsy

And as the water washed away the stain,

It seemed to wash away the remnants of you

I now have what used to be your sweater

But it now smells like me; even though it still hugs me like you used to

I’ve searched every store for a scented candle to bring back that smell

But none of my scented candles could ever hold a candle to you

NOTE:
Featured Image Source: https://sweet-cider.tumblr.com/
Word prompt: Sweater

I originally started this a couple of months ago but never really had the patience to finish it, but here I am! This pandemic has taught me a lot of things but it’s also made me realize that I miss writing so I’m going to try and finish whatever I had written and left off as well as start writing again.
I hope you enjoyed this and let me know if you have any suggestions or word prompts for me to use!

Okay, so the title turned out to sound so inspirational/ motivational which is definitely not what I write about. If I ever do write something like that I feel so pretentious because if you actually meet me, you’ll realize that I’m the last person who should be giving advice to anyone on practically any matter.. other than music and maybe books? 😛

Anyway I decided to write this post because of well… I’ve been wanting to write this for quite some time and I needed to get it off my head and also because this is definitely more interesting than studying economics (I have an exam tomorrow). And for this post, I’m not going to edit anything so all the cancellations you see, is basically what I never put in any of my other posts.

Oh and this post has been in my draft section for quite some time like the past 7 or 8 months? So I’m just going to put in what I though at that point of time with what I think now. They’re going to be in different colours so yeaa.. Anyway here it is.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like myself. It honestly has. There’s this sort of tension building up in my head and it’s like everyday I become more closed off. And the thing is, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I know many people out there are going to judge me or because they already do. It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m constantly adjusting my attitude to suit others so that I don’t appear meek or I don’t appear to be too snobby. And it’s been a while since I’ve met my closest friends to just talk and be myself so I don’t even have an outlet anymore.

And what really takes the cake is that people all around me think I have my life together. They think I know where I’m going. They think I’m ~~the only~~ one of those people who has it all figured out. But I don’t. ~~And it gets to me.~~ Oh and there’s the teachers who think I’m going to do well. I want to do well but the pressure is on and it’s really tough. Everyone either puts pressure on you to excel or says you’re never going to mount to much and that puts pressure on you to prove them wrong. Especially this year cause is going to be my it’s my senior year and there’s a ton of people my entire life (or so people say) depending on that. I don’t feel like talking to anyone of them anymore. It’s just too damn hard to do that. I feel like I’m just putting up this facade of being happy all the time when I’m not.

And it’s hard to keep it up. Whenever I’m alone, I ~~feel like I’m going t~~ want to cry and let it out. It’s not that I can complain about my family, they’re brilliant and are entertaining in their own way but I can’t go to them and say “I just want to cry for no reason. Am I going mad?” They’ll put it down to teenage angst and some bullshit going on in school. Because I honestly don’t know why I feel this way. I know I’m not depressed or suffering from something but the sadness gets to me. And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way but I just feel so alone. Like I’ve distanced myself from everyone. ~~I laugh along when I feel like I need to but it’s only when I feel it’s too much I quietly move away from there.~~ And the funny part is no one even seems to notice that. They seem to buy all the bullshit excuses that come out from my mouth and don’t even care. I know I sound selfish because I never used to care about things like this before and I used to take everything at face value.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that being yourself in a herd of people judging you and waiting to see you fall is tough, so you give in. You try to be someone they’ll like, someone who’ll fit in. Someone with no personality. ~~Someone who’s a lost soul.~~ Someone who ~~needs people~~ puts up a facade and acts like everything’s okay when it’s really not. Being yourself is one that’s such a Utopian thought. But I’m trying to now. I really am. I don’t care what people say or talk about me anymore because it’s my life. Not theirs. And I’ve realised that being true to yourself and no one else is what matters more than anything. Because in this big world of problems and choices with people leading us on, the only constant is you. And it’s you who’s going to end up not recognizing yourself in the mirror. So decide whether it’s important to have people like you but judge you behind your back or just straight out dislike you but know who you are. Because that’s what lead you to make your decision in the future.

And that’s about it.. I know I sound really happy when I talk to you guys on here and things like that but for some time in the middle, I wasn’t ~~feeling~~ ~~like doing it.~~ myself. But I am now. 🙂 And I’m trying to stay that way. Focused on what I want. And who I want to be.

Yep.. that’s about it. There’s a lot of stuff that I don’t say and just keep in my draft section because I don’t know what response I’ll get- will I have more people judging me or actually have people relating to this, so I don’t post those. But I decided to this one because I’ve grown since then and I wanted to tell others that they’re really not alone if they’re going through the same thing. Because I know how hard it is to find yourself when you feel lost. And if you want to talk to me at all you can email me and I’ll get back to you ASAP. You could also share your story if you would like to by doing a guest post or commenting on here. I’m always welcome to that.

For this post, I’ve added one of my favourite songs called Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.

P.S. (Important stuff here) And for those of you who’ve actually put up with me till the end of this post, I’d really want to know if I put together a book with like my poems, short stories and Teenagers Take (basically a book form of my blog) would you read it? I really want to know 🙂 So comment or email me if you would.

Till the next time I post (it’s going to be a guest post),

A Still Studying Economics Teenager.